About a month ago my regular annual check up came back with abnormal results. My doctor wasn't so concerned, but suggested a couple other tests. One came back inconclusive and the other indicated that I should have surgery, which I had 5 days ago.
The whole thing has been pretty hard. I didn't want to tell very many people because I was sure (and still am sure - biopsy results in a week) that it will turn out to be "nothing." I was afraid that talking about it would make it more real (it did), I was afraid that people would minimize it and tell me I was overreacting for being scared (they did), I was afraid I wouldn't be able to determine how much I wanted to say and how much I didn't want to say; that sharing a little bit was opening the door wide and would require me to answer all questions. I guess I struggle with boundaries more than I thought I did. So I only told a couple of people and left out several people that I feel pretty close to and ended up exhausted and feeling alone and angry about, well, almost all of it. Not all of it but almost.
Leading up to it, going through it, recovering from it the last few days - at times I've felt so alone. How can a person feel upset that they are alone when they don't tell others and give them the chance to be supportive? The friends I did let in were really wonderful - one drove 3 hours to be with me overnight and take care of me - I still can't believe this, one brought me flowers and went on a walk with me, one sat in my quiet house for 10 hours while I slept. All of that was beautiful and humbling in many ways. I feel broken sometimes - I don't feel the right things at the right times.
And now I am recovering. It's not so ladylike - my throat is killing me from being intubated during anesthesia, I'm constipated from the narcotics I've been on to control my pain, I'm comically bloated from the constipation. I'm oozing icky stuff from strange places. I have a slight hobble in my walk and I keep hitting my hand on things on the exact spot the IV went in and that hurts. But I return to work tomorrow because I guess I'm ready and I feel like I should be and if I waited any longer to go back I'd probably just develop greater anxiety about the whole damn thing.
That's my health update. Thank you for listening. More soon.
Update: Thanks for the kind comments, my people. Results received - all clear. :) xo