The Great Interview Experiment

Neil over at Citizen of the Month is conducting his 3rd Annual Great Interview Experiment. It's my first time taking part, and I have to say that I've really enjoyed it. Besides meeting interesting folks, it's a fun way to blog about something new. I was interviewed by Headbang8 over at Deutschland uber Elvis, who asked great questions that made the process really fun. My interview with him should be up on his blog soon.

I interviewed Quadelle (blog here, tweets here) and found her so pleasant and interesting! Her life makes mine seem like quite the snore. Her Twitter bio says, "Canadian & Australia mother of two, doing a doctorate. I love books, baking and photography." She has a perspective that I find so interesting as a fellow expat. I enjoyed reviewing her archives and seeing her beautiful photography, and she's doing a great series called "Mary Made Me Think" for the month of November. I encourage you to go over and take a look. Thanks, Quadelle, for playing along!

Q. I see you've been blogging for almost one year! In your "About" section, you list 5 reasons why you blog. In the past year, have any of those reasons changed? Do you feel that with blogging you've accomplishing the goals behind those reasons?

A. It’s turned out to be far less of “recently we did such and such” than I originally anticipated. Yet I feel like the blog usually covers the major things going on for us as well some zooming in on a particular moment or event. A big plus is the people I’ve met through blogging. I’ve stumbled across some amazing writers who make me laugh, cry or consider things differently.

Q. Also in your "About" section, you list 5 things you'd like to be able to do someday (photography, cook, dance, sew, paint.) Have you made strides in any of those areas since making that list?

A. Thanks! I put a bit of effort into upping my photography skills this year, although there is still so much more I want to learn. I took sewing lessons, but didn’t manage to finish the skirt by the end of the course and it’s still languishing. Next year I suspect I should prioritise cooking – I’d love 10 quick, failsafe and nutritious meals. I'm open to suggestions! Since dancing and painting are the least practical on my list I expect they won’t get any attention until after my doctorate is over, which is a bummer because the longing is large on those.

Q. You are a Canadian expatriate who has lived in Australia for the past 16 years. Is there anything in particular that you miss about home? Or after so many years do you feel completely integrated into Australian culture? Do you think you'll ever move back to Canada, or to any other countries for that matter?

A. Besides family and friends I mainly miss autumn, Thanksgiving, snow at Christmas, Easter being in the spring and having my birthday in the summer. I also miss the water – being so close to the ocean as well as countless rivers and lakes. However, after 16 years here it’s hard to fathom living anywhere else. I do go through stages where I get a hankering to go back to Canada. Then practical things, like Canada only having two weeks annual leave (versus Australia’s four weeks), invariably squelch those longings fairly quickly. We used to talk of spending a year in the UK, but since we’ve had kids I wouldn’t go anywhere without family nearby until the kids are much, much older.

Q. It sounds like you and your husband struggled with infertility before having your two very cute kids. Although it's been a few years since those struggles, are there any ways that infertility still affects you today?

A. It took us six years to have a baby, so, yeah, trying to have kids became a big part of our life. Like many who've been through infertility, I learned a lot from the experience. Including (but not limited to):

- It’s possible for people who previously weren’t even particularly interested in having kids to become pretty much obsessed with achieving that goal. I certainly did, which was the last thing I expected when we casually decided to ‘let nature take its course’.

- When going through a big life issue, talk to people who get what it is you’re going through. Whether it’s a counselor experienced in that area, or others who struggle with the same issue, or just someone who knows you really well and has a lot of patience and willingness to put themselves in your shoes.

- Be careful when talking to people who don’t get what you’re going through. You may need to put clear boundaries around what you will and won’t discuss with them in order to preserve the relationship. There are a few people I was not so good at doing this with and they regularly said unintentionally hurtful things.

- If someone tells you about something difficult they are going through (whether it be infertility or cancer or whatever) do not immediately tell them about every person you know who has had that issue, or give them platitudes or advice. Just listen. Really listen. Say you don’t know what to say, ask them what they need right now. Tell them (if it’s true) that you want them to feel free to tell you what they need (commiserations, humour, hugs, distractions, etc) as they go through the process of whatever it is they have to deal with. I had a few friends who were brilliant at this and they made things so much more tolerable.

Q. Much of your blog is about your two cute kids. In what ways is being a mother different than you thought it would be?

A. The main thing I failed to account for was the non-stop tiredness. As a night owl, I’m my own worst enemy.

Q. Think about a few of your closest friends. What are a handful of words they would use to describe your personality?

A. I wish they were answering this because they'd say all sorts of lovely things. Things that simply sound ridiculous to say them about myself, even if I am meant to be filling in for them. So, let’s go with curious (both definitions) and open.

Q. I love your Mary Made Me Think series. (A series of posts regarding a somewhat famous commencement speech that contains 26 pieces of advice.) Out of all the advice listed in the speech, do you have a favorite? Why does that particular piece of advice speak to you?

A. Just one? At least eight of Mary’s pieces of advice about possibility, worry, relationships, jealousy, careers, marriage & kids, family of origin and friends resonate strongly with me. Since I’ve not picked just one, maybe I should mention that what I like about the speech (which is also a song) is that it reminds me of some basic things I value but that the busyness of life can sometimes bump from the front of my mind. Another thing I like about the series is that it gives some focus to writing every day during NaBloPoMo, because posting every day is really hard work!

Q. I found this question on blogger Dooce's Community Board, and I thought it was interesting: If you have them, what are the three "nevers" of your life?

A. Only the classic: Never say never. Seriously. The longer I live the more I realize how much things can change, causing people to do unusual and unexpected things. I do hope, however, that I never lose the desire to grow and change, as I feel I wouldn’t be me if that happened.

Q. What will you not blog about? What, if any, boundaries do you draw when you blog?

A. I will not blog about my clients, even though I learn the most amazing things from them.

Portland, I Love You

This morning I went on a Best of Portland tour with Portland Walking Tours and had a fantastic time! I can't speak highly enough about it; as a 13-year resident (back after a long break), I learned a ton about the best city on earth.

Did you know that Portland was the first major city in the US to remove a freeway to make room for green space?

Did you know that Portland businesses are required to put 2% of their budgets towards public art?

Did you know that the downtown Hilton is the greenest Hilton in the world, and it actually composts leftover food that can't be donated?

I know that you knew that Portland is the most bike-friendly city in America, but did you also know there are actual designated skateboard routes downtown?

Did you know that Portland was named because of a penny toss, and if the other guy had won, we would have been named Boston?

Did you know Oregon law protects nudity as free speech? That's so Portland!

Did you know that Chapman Park used to be for women only and still only has female ginkgo trees and a women's public restroom?

Did you know that Portland has more breweries than any other city in the world? Yeah, you knew that.

I learned all of that and so much more. Additional interesting facts and interesting green facts here. I love my city. I was bursting with pride and gratitude the whole morning. I still am.

Yes, We Are Born This Way

I can't stop laughing over this. Can't stop. I just can't.

Thanks to Durban Bud and Chuck.

Three-Oh

I've done a lot of gushing about my brother this week, so I'll keep it short. This is the year my brother and sister (ten years apart) reach milestone birthdays, and that means my widdle baby brother turned 30 on Saturday.

Hard to celebrate a birthday with a beautiful two-day old hogging the spotlight, but we managed to get a nice lunch in (thanks to his amazing wife and in-laws.) My brother and I grew up close, despite our 8 1/2 year age difference, and have remained close all these years. I left for college when he was 10, but he visited me in Oregon and I went back home to Central Washington to visit him at school, write notes on napkins in his lunch, and tuck him into bed at night with kisses and songs. He really does mean the world to me, and all those years I spent hoping that he would grow up to be strong and confident and responsible and kind? Well, all that has happened and then some. I love you, baby brother.

Birth Day

It's a boy! It's a boy. My new nephew arrived this morning at 11:00. He is now 12 hours old, eating like a champ (that's from my side of the family) and charming everyone with his delicious button nose. He already knows his multiplication tables up to 4 x 12 and can say "I love my Auntie" in 7 different languages. I haven't been able to meet him yet because of H1N1-related restrictions at the hospital, but my brother and I are burning up the wireless signals sending texts and pictures back and forth. So far all I can tell is that he looks like his brother, that is, cute as can be, and is made of bricks (also from our side of the family.) Everyone is doing very well.

Honestly, I can hardly talk about it because I am so damn emotional and sleep deprived, but he is named (middle name) after my favorite grandfather, who passed away ten years ago and who I miss deeply and think of so often. When my brother called me from the hospital and I heard my new nephew's name for the first time (everything was a secret!), I was overcome with emotion. I instantly felt some powerful mix of gratitude and relief that my grandfather's life will be remembered and somehow continued. I will always be thankful they chose that name.

He's here! It's such a miracle - we have been waiting so long for this baby. Longer than we even know. I can't wait to see him and hold him and smell him. To let him melt into my arms. To start teaching him the things he needs to know to get by in this world, things only an Auntie can teach. I can't believe I have two nephews! Two! One for each hand.

All day I've been catching myself thinking: two. Two babies to love. My heart is flooding. I'm so grateful, grateful, grateful.

I have been watching my oldest nephew since my brother and SIL left for the hospital at 2:00 this morning. So awesome to get so much solid time with him. He got up at 7:00 AM and cracked his bedroom door and waited. Still in my PJs, I went from my room to his and said, "Honey, your Mommy and Daddy are at the hospital getting the baby!" He thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to watch cartoons." So we did.

We played trucks and danced a little and cuddled in front of the TV. I have a theory that it's because I'm a little squishier than some, but he loves to get right up in my grill, push against me and nest right into my chest. He always has. I just rub his little baby bird hair or gently scratch his back and he relaxes right into me. We watched cartoons, ate, and played around the house until it was so late I couldn't further justify not showering. But . . . how to shower alone with a 2 1/2 year old in the house? I have to say I think I got a tiny, tiny taste of the stay at home Mom life today, and it is exhausting. Responding to every high and low (are all two-year olds like bipolar heroin addicts who have gone off their meds?), answering every request, tracking his every move. Just trying to interpret the half-English, half-Latvian he seems to speak takes almost everything I have in me. I haven't slept in a couple days waiting for baby, but I felt like I hadn't slept in years.

Finally I decided I must, so I ran upstairs and stood in the shower for just over one minute with the water running on me. No time for soap. I left the door open, the curtain only half-drawn, and had one eyeball on the nephew, running laps in the hallway, the entire time. An hour or so later I sensed a window of opportunity while he was preoccupied with a toy train, so I brushed my hair. After that I really wanted to dry my hair so I tried to turn it into a game (Come! Watch! Auntie! Mimi! Dry! Her! Hair!) and by the time my hair was dry and he'd ripped a roll of toilet paper to shit with my hair clip, I was so proud of myself for being dressed and semi-presentable while taking care of a two-year old that I couldn't think of any other way to celebrate than look in the mirror and cry.

At about 12:30 or so I realized I was terribly hungry and didn't know why. We'd spent a lot of time this morning making English muffins and getting yogurt out. Then I remembered that I never actually ate breakfast - everything I tried to fix for myself he ended up wanting (even though he had his own, of course), so I just gave it all to him, happy that he was actually eating. Is this a secret Mom diet?

Early this afternoon we went to the park to try to burn off some energy in hopes of a great nap. Because I'm always nervous and afraid of losing or breaking him while his parents are away, I generally stay one centimeter away from him at all times when we're out of the house. But this particular park is small and enclosed, and we were the only people there, so when we hit the entrance he took off running. Besides a little time climbing together, for the most part he played alone while I swung on the swings, crying grateful tears over my new nephew and answering calls of, "Watch me, Mimi! Ok?" He talked to himself (and make-believe companions) in elaborate ways, running from monsters (yelling, "Go away, Monsters!"), and telling stories about his Daddy and his grandparents. On the tire swing at one point he told me, "My Daddy says if I hold on tight I won't get hurt." That's right, honey. Your Daddy is right.

By dinner I felt a little more grounded and we actually had a pretty good meal without major interruptions. (I was beginning to wise up to the myriad of games he plays, and became a little more functional in my exhaustion.) A quick outing, more cartoons (sorry, Mom and Dad), some cuddling, and then prayers and bed. There. That wasn't too hard, was it? Today was 200 hours long, right?

One thing I want to remember is what a comfort my brother and SIL's place is, and how amazing they are. (Hint: amazing enough that I'm calmed by their personalities, their solid parenting, and comforting touches even when they're not here.) Their house isn't overly fancy, but it's orderly and comfortable and perfect. Their kitchen is always full of yummy homemade treats; I'll never understand how this happens. They have actual food in the pantry (I know) and so far I haven't found anything with four layers of green fur in the fridge. Not that I would know anything about that. And not only is their house a testament to the fact that they function well and live adult lives, but they are both teachers, so they actually teach others how to function well and live adult lives. Compared to them I live as though I was raised by wolves. They are amazing to me. I couldn't be prouder.

I've felt and experienced so many new things today. I want to record more, but I can hardly remember my name right now. Also, I know I need to get to bed because I'm terrified thinking about how early he could wake up tomorrow.

Ok, one more: as I've been writing this in the living room downstairs, my little lovebug woke up from an apparent nightmare upstairs. I have no problem usually letting kids cry it out a bit, but this was a different kind of cry. I ran up to his room, knelt by his bed, and scooped him up in my arms. He was crying so hard, hot and confused, and I just rocked him back and forth a few times, kissed his face, and whispered that he was just fine. He never really woke up, just slid back into bed and pulled his blankies close. He's sleeping again now.

Grateful, grateful, grateful.

False Alarm

Dear Baby,

It's been a little over an hour since your Dad called me. He was breathing heavy and his voice was shaking. He was talking to himself a little, saying, "I need to calm down" and then "Just a minute, I need to take off my sweatshirt. I'm so hot." He told me, "It's starting" and said he was taking your Momma to the mall so she could walk around. "The mall?" I asked. "Maybe the hospital . . . ?" He said, "Do you wanna tell her that? I already tried."

Your Momma is a strong woman. She is so smart and confident and brave. If you could have any Mother in the world, she is the one you want. You are going to learn a lot from her over the next many years. And your Daddy, he is so loving. So dedicated and accepting and supportive. The way he cares is going to open up the world for you, Little One. You are his whole life, and you have been since he was a boy. You are going to feel so safe with your Daddy's protection. You've won the lottery, Baby.

So your Daddy and Momma took off for the mall! Your Daddy has been calling and texting me for the last hour, giving me updates. He told me they were waiting for the contractions to be 3 to 5 minutes apart for a solid hour before going to the hospital.

That's when it came back to me. Your Damma, my Mom, sitting on our living room couch. It's 1979, I'm eight years old. The carpet is blue, the curtains are heavy, and the sky outside is dark. I think it's 5:00 AM. Damma is breathing funny and making little marks on a pad of paper beside her on the couch. I am watching from the hallway, gripping the handle of my overnight bag and trying to be brave. My older sister is in her room, and my Damma is rushing around, making sure everything is taken care of. We're all waiting until the pains are 5 minutes apart for one hour. It's all so strange to me, but I know it means the baby is coming. Your Daddy was about to arrive.

And now we are waiting for you. Your bedroom has blue and pink clothes folded in neat piles. Your bed is made; your sheets are waiting to cuddle you. You will be swaddled up tight and rocked and sung to. You'll be kissed and held and loved on.

I babysat your brother a few days ago. At 2 1/2 he is so clever. Animated. Smart. His personality is strong and fills up the entire room, just like his voice. We sat under a blanket and watched cartoons, his hands squeezing and petting mine, and me crying little, thankful tears. He's going to be the best big brother a Baby could ask for.

My phone just chimed indicating a new text message, and I almost jumped through the roof. Your Momma and Daddy are back at home. You must need to cook a little while longer. Days? Hours? Minutes? I'm not sure.

We're ready, Little One. I love you even though I don't know you yet! We're ready for you.

Love,

Auntie Mimi

Connections

Once you're past the age of full-time school, I think it gets harder to meet new people and make friends. Moving to upstate NY was hard for me because I didn't know many folks, and even those I got to know, although friendly, just didn't feel like my people.

My blog birthday is coming up - I'll be 5 at the end of the month! - and I've been thinking through the great friends I've made online. There are folks I've been reading for as long as I've been blogging, or in some cases, even longer. In the past two weeks I've gotten together with or heard from several bloggers (starting with Buddhafied in Canada) and I've been feeling extra thankful for my bloggy friendships. These are definitely my kind of people.

• My lovely soul sister Demandra (here and here) and I e-mail back and forth about our various crazy personal hang ups. She recently sent me two books that she thought I'd like! Receiving a gift from someone you've never met is humbling and cuddly.
• I spent Halloween this year with Kerri Anne and Iron Fist (and non-blogger Hans) getting kidnapped and closing down bars. I had so much fun. This was my first Halloween away from my sister in NY, and Halloween was kind of our thing. This year I had a great time back in Portland with new friends. I love hanging with those two.
• I've been reading Life Serial for several years. (I believe he inadvertently introduced Demandra and I.) I adore Matt and have felt connected to his writing from the beginning. His Flickr and Twitter feeds are as fun as his website, but visit at your own risk. You're going to fall for him. Matt recently made me a notebook! It's so rad. I love it.
• Last Wednesday I finally met Portland blogger Lewis. We had a close call 2 1/2 years ago at TequilaCon, but we'd never managed to meet in person. We finally got together for lunch and it was so nice - familiar and warm and like we'd been getting together for lunch for years. Lucky me.
• A few weeks ago I e-mailed Sizzle (if you don't already know and love her, I can't help you) and told her that I needed to get together with a bunch of smart, awesome women. Sizzle being Sizzle, she immediately threw together an awesome party, and on Friday I went up to Seattle and had fun with the girls. The group was Sizzle, Jeni Angel, Aimee, Terrell, and Chris and Kim, and I had a freakin blast. The next morning Sizzle and I had breakfast with the one and only Kaply, and I thought I'd died and gone to blogger heaven.
• Finally, this morning I had brunch with local buddies Geek Girl, Kerri Anne, Iron Fist, Lewis & Blair. (It was the first time I'd met Blair - what a great, warm guy.) We went to Jam on Hawthorne, and I had such a nice time. Can we do it every Sunday? These are all my people.

Small But Good

My brain is a little furry tonight and I think writing about my day will help. Thanks everyone for indulging me - I know you didn't sign up to read a surf blog.

I woke up early and immediately decided to go surfing today. I had a lot to do, and when I went to bed last night I was telling myself that the responsible thing would be to stay in town and get shit done. But today was supposed to be good conditions for the last time for at least a week, if not more. (At one point the waves were forecasted to be 32' starting tomorrow, although now the forecast is down to 26.5'.) Today was supposed to be 5'-ish, and after my lesson yesterday I was anxious to get some practice time on my own. There's just a feeling when you know you could get in the water . . . your toes start to tingle and you can imagine getting in the water and laying on your board . . . you know it would make you so happy . . . and suddenly it's a race to get out the door and to the beach.

The shop owner told me several times yesterday that I should go out with him early this morning. (I didn't. He surfs while I'm still sleeping.) Was he kidding? He also told me I need to start doing push ups every night, and then he grabbed my bicep to check out my muscle (and nearly crushed my arm in the process.) He was a tiny bit impressed, I could tell. My little 8-pound dumbbells have been paying off.

When I made it to the beach I immediately saw that today was smaller than forecasted. There were only maybe 3 or 4 other surfers out (they were on the outside - which always makes me glad because they're not going to take up space on the inside where I am.) The water was so nice today - green and gentle. It was really something to experience such great conditions. I noticed how much energy I maintained because I wasn't fighting against it or being pounded in the head with whitewater every five seconds. I got in some good rides on my knees - pretty long and steady. (Where is my one knee/one foot ride that I was doing so well? I thought I'd mastered that. Now I can't find it.) I tried my new pop up from yesterday and kind of sucked at it. I do the first part ok, but I still can't figure out how to get my right foot up there. (Or maybe I can figure it out, but I'm too afraid because there's no middle ground, no intermediate step where I can hang out on my knees if I get too scared. Popping up the normal way is much more of a commitment.) I took some shallow wipe outs yesterday and landed square on my back, and I could feel it this morning once I started to paddle. Even without wiping out, surfing uses weird muscles.

After about 45 minutes, the waves were getting smaller and I felt like I was floating around in a big bath tub. Nothing was happening out there. I've been out on small days when I have to really work to ride anything, but this was different - pretty soon there was nothing at all to ride. Also, I noticed that any waves that were there earlier were breaking really close to the shore. This was new. I don't know if it was the tides (coming into high tide) or what, but even the people on the outside were really close in.

I'm starting to really appreciate the chance to experience different conditions. I get frustrated because it's like learning a language that has an infinite number of words - I feel like I could surf every day for 20 years and never experience all the possible conditions - but I'm grateful to experience different days and just become more familiar with the water.

At one point I noticed the other surfers had gone in, so I went up on the shore and chilled out and actually read for a while. I was out for about 30 or 40 minutes, just waiting for any signs of life, and nothing was happening. If anything, it was getting even glassier and more mellow. I finally gave in and admitted to myself that my surfing was done for the day, but I could not bring myself to leave the beach. The sun was beautiful on the water and it was basically a deserted beach. And the water was so quiet - it was incredibly peaceful. So I zipped up, put my gloves back on, and went swimming! I swam for 30 or 40 minutes in the water - just loving life. It was awesome. Every once in a while there would be a wave, and I just played with swimming into and around them. It felt awesome. I practiced paddling (my shoulders hurt tonight!) and I just played. I felt very, very peaceful and happy.

I'll try to describe how it feels to catch something: I'm looking for a wave (standing on my feet, in water to my chest - remember, I'm just a baby) and when I see the right one coming (I usually say quietly to myself, "That's mine" like when Jules is there - she says, "This one's yours!") and I jump up and slide onto my board. I take one second to get balanced and then just lift my chest and eyes and start paddling like crazy. I always imagine it looks comical - like a cartoon where someones feet are moving but they're not going anywhere. I can't feel myself move when I'm paddling - I'm just waiting to feel the wave. And then . . . sometimes I hear it coming and sometimes I don't . . . sometimes when I hear it coming, it's a huge crashing noise and I have to work to not f-r-e-a-k . . . and suddenly the energy beneath me changes, and whereas I was paddling hard with little result before, now my arms can't keep up with the speed. I try to take a couple more paddles once I feel the wave, but I'm usually going so fast that I just start my move: I grip the rails as aggressively as I can (Jules says, "Manhandle that thing!") and I go! I slide my left foot up, peel my body off the board, chest first, and do my best.

Ahhhhh. It's so much fun. Today was a great, great day. I could have done with some more waves, but it was pretty perfect the way it was.

Try, Try, and Try Again

Another session with Jules today. Tonight I am BEAT and trying to decide whether or not to go out again tomorrow. I have a lot of crap to do! But the conditions are supposed to be good again tomorrow, and then they get crazy (um, 32' on Thursday?) again, and I don't know when I'll get another day in the water. But the to do list is really getting long . . .

I got some deets on the board. It's 10', never been in the water. The guy got it waxed up and now wants to trade it in for a custom-made. That's all I know. The board is in Canada right now (which I think is cool - you know its owner is a determined dude if he surfs in Canada) and should be at the shop in a week or two. The price is pretty good. The owner is going to hold it for me and I'll take a look once it gets in. I'm trying to be calm about it. Honestly, the learning curve that will happen bums me out, but I know I need to get away from a softie. It just makes me nervous . . . the sofite is my security blanket. (Although it didn't feel very soft or blankety when it clocked me in the head.) I'm going to see what happens.

When we were walking down to the spot we passed a dude just out of the water, all red-faced and stoked. He looked at me and volunteered, "Man, it's so nice out there! I just had to get out because I can barely stand up anymore!" You could definitely feel a little buzz in the air. I forget that I'm not the only person in these parts who gets a little angsty and twitchy when it goes this long without good conditions.

It felt awesome to see Jules again and it was so good to get in the water. Why did it feel like a year since my last session? We did our beach talk and then got in. I took a few belly rides to get used to the water again - surprising how fast it comes back and how great it feels almost immediately. I guess something that's cool is that no matter what was going on before surfing, taking rides just makes you feel really present and focused on the moment, and it makes you really happy! Our beach talk was kind of heavy (it often is) and walking out into the water I was moving slow and felt super out of my element for some reason. (I think I'm still trying to get a good comfort level with the water. How is it possible that I've gotten more scared of the water the more surfing I've done?) As we were going out I was worried I'd be too preoccupied or cautious to have a good day. Wow, one belly ride later and I'm all smiley and pumped and running after my board, giving Jules the thumbs up.

We talked about lefts and rights today (maybe I can describe those as the angles of how the waves peel and break? Hard to put into words), and Jules had me take rides slightly angled vs. going straight in towards the shore. That was new and a little wobbly. She also had me try changing my pop-up move from what I've always done (the modified knee thing) to a real pop up. Argh! Where does my leg go? Do I bring it forward through my arms or swing it around? It just feels like there are limbs everywhere. I didn't nail it, but I did make some progress. Still VERY frustrated to not be able to stay on my feet, it was probably my best session so far.

One thing I want to remember is that I've been wondering if I have the nerve to surf all winter. Last month when I went out, I remember thinking - Hey, it's October in Oregon and I'm in the water! I'm one step closer! Today when I was out there I thought, Hey, it's November! I'm doing pretty good! It was still 50-ish outside, so not terrible, but each time the calendar changes, I feel better about sticking with it.

It also feels really cozy and yummers to get out of my wetsuit and into a big sweatshirt and jeans when I'm done. I stand at the car and do my little routine and it's hard to even remember the days I'd be sweating in the sun and turning on the A/C in the car for the drive home. It's such a good feeling to be outside and in the water and not letting the change in seasons trap me inside. (So far.)

After my lessons I'm so beat that I usually get out when Jules does. This time I packed a few granola bars and water and took a bag down to the beach with me - I really wanted to stay as long as possible and enjoy the rare clean waves. I ended up taking a 30 minute break after my lesson and then getting in for about 30 minutes more, but I again noticed how totally exhausted I am after a lesson. I want to surf for 4 or 5 hours! Right now if I make it 2 with a break in the middle, I'm lucky. Argh. Something to work on.

Another thing to remember is that even though it was only maybe 4 - 6' today, occasionally bigger, the waves felt like they packed a bit more of a punch than normal. Jules said those are just autumn/winter waves and that I'll get used to it. She said that surfing those makes you really grateful when summer comes along and the waves are a little softer and back to normal.

When I was done with the session, I went over and hung out with a really small black lab puppy waiting on the beach for her owner, who was out in the water. (That sentence must be a grammatical nightmare, but I'm too tired to care.) This little cutie pie was such a lover; she came right over and put her front paws on my thigh and started licking my hands immediately. I met her owner after a while - a super friendly guy who was kayaking.

I experienced a little angst today over my skill level. Again. I am trying so hard to (as Jules puts it) give myself the gift of patience. And I do admit that what I'm doing right now brings me so much joy, that if all I could do for the next forty years is belly rides, I should keep doing it. But I do feel frustrated and weak and lame. I cruise a lot of surf sites online to learn and get encouragement, and to see cute surfer dudes (Mick, call me), and I found an awesome post on Daily Stoke that I'm going to try to remember whenever I get bummed. A guy listed a board on Craigslist and the Daily Stoke folks joked that no one should buy it so the guy is forced to try harder! They say surfing is a sport that requires "a serious commitment to fail, failure, fail again." It makes me feel better. I'm obviously totally committed to that :)

I guess the last thing I want to remember from today is from our beach talk. We were talking about gratitude and how it feels, and the role it plays in surfing and in life. Jules talked about how the gratitude comes first. You don't wait around for something to happen so that you can feel thankful. You feel grateful, and then good things (or hard things that are lessons) come. I liked that.

Bust

I decided to head to the coast this morning to surf. There are four websites that I check for wave conditions, and three said it was a great day and one say it was cleaning up. I put on my bathing suit, threw my gear in the car, and headed out. It was a gorgeous sunny day at the beach, but when I got to the surf shop to rent my board, the girl said she didn't recommend going out. I was so bummed! I decided to go up to my spot to check it out myself.

When I got there, there was no one in the water, and there were three dudes with three dogs and a pile of boards sitting on the rocks drinking beer. For some reason, they made me so happy :) . If you can't surf, what's better than hanging out with your buddies waiting to surf? The water was pretty choppy, but I had to go in up to my thighs (no wetsuit - brrrrr) to convince myself not to surf. I was super frustrated, but it was true - the conditions were too weird. Choppy, sideways, inconsistent sets. I don't understand how it can be like that with such low wind. It was similar to that day I went out, barely caught three waves, and came back home.

So I went into town and bought a book and came back to the spot to wait it out. I so wanted to get in the water today! When I got back to the beach, the three guys were all sacked out eating potato chips and drinking more beer. After a while they started a fire to make some food, and I realized (taking my cue from more experienced dudes) that I wasn't going to be doing any surfing today. Soooo disappointing. It's tough when I'm already there and I'm mentally psyched up for it - you just look at the water and know you would have such an amazing time if you could get in.

At that point I called Jules because I have a session scheduled with her for tomorrow and I wanted to make sure we were going to get to go out. I didn't want to get all stoked if she knew something about the expected conditions that I don't. Well! She called me back later tonight, and not only are we definitely surfing tomorrow, but . . . the shop owner thinks he found me a board. Isn't that cool? I'll get the details tomorrow. I'm super excited to get in the water!