Stumptown Comic Fest

Hi. It's the first week of May and I'm depressed. Again. Or still. Or something. But I've been doing some fun stuff lately and I want to capture it, so I'm going to do a little back and forth.

Last weekend I went to Stumptown Comic Fest. It was so interesting. One of the many great things about me* is that I'm genuinely interested in a lot of different things. I really love learning about new things - I'm a very curious person and I love learning, seeing new perspectives, widening my frame of reference. I have a friend at work who is an artist and who talks about his artistic process, and lately I've been hanging out with another friend who is a brilliant illustrator (see comics, buy books here), and I've been thinking about the process of creating. I guess I've been thinking about it for a while because it's why I got into sewing a year or two ago - I wanted to have to make decisions about textures and colors and design. I think of all of that as related to expression, and I think I'm slowly trying to find ways to express myself. No. This is actually what it is: I'm trying to figure out ways that all of these various experiences and emotions inside of me want to be expressed.

So I was turning over these thoughts in my brain and then, bam, Comic Fest.

It was really different for me and really fun. I felt out of place, so that was challenging. But I appreciate being out of my comfort zone; that's where most learning takes place for me. I just basically wandered from table to table, not making eye contact with artist and reps so they wouldn't talk to me, and thinking about the nature of the whole thing - promoting and selling and explaining and relating things you create. A lot of it didn't appeal to me, or I should say I didn't connect with it. I'm not a Sci-fi fan (I just had to google to see if I spelled "Sci-fi" correctly) and after a while it seemed like most of the work was centered on girls with huge boobs or white men. Snore. (Seriously, can we get some people of color up in here, comic people?) But I kept looking around and I found a bunch of stuff that I liked. And I had a few fun conversations (and a couple awkward ones - mostly where the artists asked, "So, what do you do for a living?" Oh, I'm a banker . . . [crickets].) I had one interesting conversation with an artist from Seattle who said, "Why did you come?" and I thought, ok, I'll try it. So I explained how I've been exploring expression and we had a decent conversation from it.

Anyway, I'm really glad I went and I love the two books I bought. Here are some of my favorite artists from the event:

Adult Babysitting - Tales from a real life Portland bartender - I think this is clever as hell

Definitely Far From Korea - this is great stuff, I loved this guy; I bought a book of his called This Will Pass, and I love it - probably my favorite artwork I found

Nico Hitoride - I can't get any of his pages to load, so here's his Twitter account; I really liked his illos

Last Train to Old Town - this is beautiful, beautiful stuff, heavy on concepts; I just loved this guy's vibe

* :)

From Where I Sit, You're One of a Kind

This song by Griffin House has been one of my favorites for the last couple of years.

Remember in that last post when I mentioned the Good Guy I was dating and, hey, we'll see what happens next? God damn it. I'd explain it all, but I'm smack in the middle of a terribly self-indulgent miserable streak so I'm super busy right now. I might have some time in a few weeks when I stop crying and never date again. Best guy I've ever met, such a good one. I'm telling you - first class all the way.

Still, got to be a little out of his mind, right?

This Is The Happy Version

Hello, my people. I haven't intended to be gone so long.* I am here, doing my thing, feeling my way along, figuring it out as I go. Or trying to. Of interest (at least, to me):

• I seem to have come out of or be coming out of the burden of depression I'd been feeling for a few months. I don't know exactly when or why it came to visit, but it's been pretty difficult. One day a few weeks ago, in my therapist's office, I forget exactly what we were talking about, but I remember at one specific moment feeling some sense of weight coming off my shoulders and having the mental picture of a bird flying out of a cage. And I thought: I think it's done with me for now. Thank god. 

• I'm having my taxes done (late, I know) and I'm stressed about the result - it's going to be a pretty big bill. I truly hate money stress - I've been very fortunate (luck + working ass off) to not have to deal with too much of it for several years, so this brings back icky feelings of desperation and fear from a long time ago. I'm going to just be strong and remind myself that it's now, not then, and get busy pinching pennies. I think that's the best I can do. 

• I started a new job about a month and a half ago, and wow. It's exhausting. I don't talk about work stuff here, so I'll keep it at: the work itself is really fun, and some of the other parts are quite rough. We can apply for new jobs in my company every 12 months, so I keep joking (joking?) with a few friends at work: Hey, 10 1/2 months to go. Hopefully it will get better. The learning curve for this job is much steeper than for my last couple jobs.

• This sure isn't sounding like the fun, positive update I thought it would be.

• I've been thinking and scheming and plotting lately how I can reduce my involvement in all things technological and Internetish. I really detest how often I stare at my phone, and I do it less than almost anyone I'm around. (And more than a few people I envy.) I have a zillion bookmarks, pins, hearts, likes, saved whatevers, that I'll NEVER look at again and truly don't even care about. They don't make my life better, easier, more fun, more simple, more anything. That kind of shit distracts me from appreciating what I have and from calling my Mom more often and from looking into your eyes when you are speaking to me because I'm busy busy busy with all of the wonderful possibilities at my fingertips. It's bullshit. I've never been one to care all that much about things that fall outside of genuine connection between people. I don't know or care when all that stuff went from convenience to interference. I just want to make some changes so I control it versus it controlling me. 

• I've started to run again. My god, it kills my knees and my time is even slower than it was before. I miss the days of being embarrassed at my 9:45 min miles. But I'm really proud of myself for getting out there, for doing my little weights and crunches in my room before bed. Sometimes. I want to be healthy, I want to move my body. I feel like moving my body is a way of showing appreciation for it. 

• When I turned 42 last month I made a decision to put some effort into dating again. Jeeeeez, it's hard to do that sometimes. Online dating is like a little part-time job, all the correspondence and such, and, I don't know. Showing up to meet someone for a quick drink looking like it's no big deal is a huge deal. Looking like I haven't made a big fuss over getting ready takes a humongous fuss. Plus, hair. Lots of it. So it's a labor of hope, I guess, and of adventure. Lately I've had a few pretty good dates with really decent guys, and I've seen one guy several times. I don't really know what happens next and at what point I stop going on other dates if it keeps going well with this particular guy. It feels complicated and not completely fun, but I'm going to stick with it and see if I can figure it out. 

• On one of the dates with the good guy (we'll call him the front runner), we went to see the movie 42. It's pretty good as far as Disney movies go, but I was feeling some discomfort throughout with how the subject matter was handled. Afterwards, as we were walking out of the theater, he said he thought the story depicted Racism Lite®. I thought that was funny and hit it on the head. He's super sharp and has a good sense of humor . . . we'll see what happens next. 

• I have a three-day leadership off-site this week, and the entire thing is role playing. Could you be more jealous? Oh, and it's going to get past 70° this week without a cloud in the sky. One more: great surf report. Isn't that awesome? No surfing in perfect weather for me, please. I'd much rather be role playing. 

• I appreciate you kittens so much. Please keep coming back and keeping me company here. If you don't mind, I'm going to turn the comments off for a post or two because I think something about them sometimes keeps me from posting. Not about your wonderful comments that encourage me so much and help me feel connected to my circle. But the feeling of not wanting to pander if I have something to complain about . . . I don't know. It's not you, it's me. Truly. Thank you for being here.  :)

*Is this sentence even English? Who knows. Grammar is hard.

Learning into Another Year

I found these on the Internets somewhere. I am a crazy Joseph Campbell fan, and I've seen the other attributed to just about everyone. If I could only learn these two things - really learn them in a way that leaves me with no other choice but to live them - I would exceed my own expectations. Here's to trying to do just that for another year.

Almost Spring

The weather here in Portland has started to turn and we've had a week or so at about 60 degrees. It's felt miraculous, and the effect on my mood has been significant. The winter this year was colder than any I remember and I let it get to me. For the last few winters, I was excited about running through the cold months and I'd get new gear to stay warm . . . this year it felt miserable to even go from my car to my office. I don't know. Spring is coming and I couldn't be happier about it.

I'm still meeting with a personal trainer at the gym. I've done about 5 sessions and I have about 10 more left and then I'll let that go. I think it's been helpful in getting my head in the right place, and I do like my guy, but I really hate exercising indoors. I started running again fairly regularly about 3 weeks ago, and although my progress has been sooooo slowwwww, it feels really good to be back out. On sunny days, I feel that old craving to get a run in. That's huge after the dry spell and weight gain I've had. I've made it 3+ miles once or twice, but I seem to be kind of stuck at two right now. Irritating, but I'm just trying to accept it and be consistent with what I can do. If I get out 3 or so times a week and run two good miles, I'm proud of myself. 

I'm enjoying my condo. It's cozy. I'm looking forward to when the weather is nicer so I can sit on my little balcony at night and read like I used to when I lived at my apartment. I spend a fair amount of time in my sewing room (I'll post a few sewing projects I've done lately when I get a chance), and it just feels like home here. I'm very, very grateful for it. 

Work news: after a year and a half of anticipation, my department at work did shutdown. That happened about two weeks ago, and I found another position with the company at the same office (which is about two blocks from my house) just in time. I've been at the new position for a week now and so far, so good. After 19 1/2 years in banking, I don't get too, too freaked out about new assignments. I haven't met my new team (of employees) yet; I've just been training. I hope it continues to go well. It's an interesting role and I have to really use my brain, which I like :) 

I have a big birthday coming up this week. I don't know exactly why it feels big. The number is 42 (gasp) and I think the issue is that it's no longer the cute 39 or the big 4-oh - something about 42 says nothing but: I'm firmly in middle-age. I'm not completely depressed over it - I'm more encouraged lately than I have been in a while. But aging is rough. What the hell happened to my knees? I'm trying to stay on focus with my weight loss and exercise and other personal goals because that's ultimately the most satisfying thing to me in terms of aging - if I can keep my health as long as possible, then I don't have much to complain about, do I?

My brother & nephews visited last weekend.
How cute is this little guy? :)

I've been wanting to plan a getaway - something sunny to look forward to - but I've lost some creativity or something because whereas I used to think of Indonesia or Costa Rica for an adventure, now I don't think much past Hawaii. It's just so perfect and so easy. And close. But the problem is that I'm not in surfing shape right now and it would be such a shame to go to HI and not surf. I'm not sure I can even do that. I don't know, maybe I make it a quick trip just for some sun and R&R, and then plan something more for another time, maybe next year? A surfing trip to Mexico or Nicaragua or something? 

I've also been wondering about getting a kitty. It probably sounds like a simple decision, but I'm not convinced it's a good idea. I work all day and am gone a bit on the weekends (although I don't travel like I used to). And I would only want one cat because, you know, OCD. I've thought of getting an older cat who needs a quiet, mellow home. Because that's what I have. To be honest, it's been about 9 months since my kitty died, but it's still really upsetting to look online at pictures of available cats (at the HS) or to think about having another one. I don't know. I'm still thinking.

I've been going to a ton of Blazer basketball games. I think I'm only missing one this calendar year. I won't bore you with all the deets, but I will say that I get so much *joy* out of the Trail Blazers. It's been a tiny little miracle in my life this year after a few really tough years. I'm hoping I can afford a half-season ticket for next year to just keep it going. I have no idea what I'll do in the off-season. Seriously - in a couple of months, I'm going to be going through some serious withdrawals.

Blazer smiles - these are my boys.
(Photo from the official Trail Blazers Twitter feed)

Ok, you can wake up now. This post has been kind of a snoozer, but I wanted to record where I'm at. Time flies whether you're having fun or not, that's what I think. But I've been having some fun. 

Trouble Hunter

I've been slacking on a promise (threat) I made to my friend Sher Bear that I could get her to like rap. My first attempt was Brother Ali (post is here) and that went great. I have several shows and artists coming up and I know a couple of them are going to go over awesome. This one is a bit of an acquired taste, but I think we can handle it together.

I've been an Astronautalis fan for a while now and just got to see my first show of his about two weeks ago. I get tickets to a lot of shows for these indie bands/acts I like because: a) they always cost about $10, b) this is the kind of stuff I couldn't do in Japan and I don't want to take having it available for granted, c) It has to be a pretty special act to get me to a large, arena-type concert, but I pretty much always enjoy a tiny little indie show in a crappy venue. 400 max capacity and a ticket guy who doubles as a bouncer and triples as ID check is almost always going to be a good time. BUT. I'm not a spring chicken anymore, and a lot of these shows start late. I mean late, y'all. And if they're on a work night then I need to be reeeeeeally excited about it to go. I've been passing up some good ones - you can't do everything - but I knew I HAD to hit Astronautalis. No missing that show.

It was awesome. So inspiring! Andy is the dude and he is a book that can't be judged by the cover. My favorite kind. He has a powerful voice and a really unique sound and he is smart as hell. He is also super engaging live - he moves around to the beat and you think maybe he's having a seizure, but you quickly realize that he doesn't care what anyone thinks and he's just really . . . free.

His freestyling is pretty crazy, and I think it's hard to stand out because a lot of rappers are great freestylers, but he stands out. During the show, he asked the crowd for 8 or 9 topics, said they have to be things no one has ever rapped about before, and then instantly rapped for five minutes about Native Americans, tea, narcolepsy, Charles Bukowski, and 5 other things I can't remember. The Bukowski parts were beautiful - he somehow made the whole thing about absolutely refusing to give in to cynicism. (We're talking about rap music, people.) One of the lines was, "Read people who think the world is beautiful and full of options." I loved that. He also went on about his life - touring for 10 years as a rap artist with limited success, no health insurance, but meeting some many beautiful people and having authentic interactions, and he rapped, "I will live like this 'til the day that I die and that's it. So Bukowski can have his bitterness; Rest in peace, bitch." (Swoon.) Absolutely loved that. No pretense here - just smart, smart music.

This is Our Science is a great record, and I love almost everything on it. I recommend Trouble Hunters (from an old album), The River, The Woods, Dimitri Mendeleev, and This is Our Science. And Contrails is just too damn fun not to share:

Or Dental Work. Maybe Plastic Surgery.

I don't mean to brag, but I just upgraded the memory in my MacBook! Or something. It is crazy. I unscrewed the bottom cover (which required a #00 philips screw driver, whatever that is), found a huge  pile of cat hair (seriously, it even smelled like my old kitty, which is gross and kind of sad), cleaned it up, TOOK OUT the existing memory . . . things, put them somewhere in case I'll need them again (for arts & crafts, I guess?), and then put in two new memory things. It required matching up notches and pushing and pulling and clicking, and I kept thinking how handy it would be to have one of my nephews' tiny hands. But I actually have tiny hands, so it worked out. And then I took out the battery and cleaned around in there (just because I was feeling ballsy), and THEN I put the whole thing back together! Short screws where the short screws go, long screws where the long screws go. It's crazy. I'm going to start a waiting list for brain surgery next. I fired it up wondering if I would ever work on this particular computer again, and omg, check it:

This is my MacBook Pro post-surgery:

And the best part is: It's FASTER! A lot faster. It was immediately. It went from 2 somethings to 4 somethings, and I can totally tell. Christ on a cracker, I don't want to throw my computer against a wall!

I'd like to thank the Apple Store Genius with orange hair and glasses without lenses because she never talked down to me or made me feel like I couldn't do it. I'd like to thank my parents for coming up with a genetic combination that produced my tiny, baby-like hands, perfect for any job in small spaces. And I'd like to thank Damian Lillard, our four-time Rookie of the Month and soon-to-be Rookie of the Year, for the constant inspiration. Go, Dame. Go, me. :)

(Now I'm off to fix my Internet. Wish me luck. I'll need more than tiny hands for this one.)

It's Me

I don't even know who that girl was in that post from last week - talking about the weight struggle not being personal or shame-based. What was that about? I think I'd gained a certain amount but was still working out occasionally and feeling somewhat in control. Right after that things went to hell and since then I've been feeling so many old feelings about my weight struggle. Ugh. At my heaviest and my thinnest, I've always said this is my struggle for life, the one I'll always have to keep in check. So I'm trying to not crawl into bed, pull up the covers, and come back out in three years. I'm trying to remember that this is no surprise - I struggle with my weight. I just do. I'm here again, I know this place. And I just have to fight to separate the issues so I can deal with the emotional stuff in a non-food way, and then fight to get out there and get active so I can make my heart happy. Argh.

In other news, the project I've been on for a couple years at work is ending this week. Weird. It was supposed to go for 4 months and it's been almost two years - it got extended about seven times. We found almost all of my kiddos new positions, so they're taken care of, and I found myself one as well. It starts a week from tomorrow. It's with the same company and I'll be managing a group of people, just like I've been doing forever. But it's a new line of business and it's a pretty good move considering how things could have happened. Hey, look - something worked out. It's hard not to immediately go into "Oh shit, I have a new job" mode - worry about the (considerable) learning curve, what my new boss will be like, if I'll have monsters on my team. I want to enjoy the "Something worked out" a bit.

There's more. We'll talk about it. Soon.

It's Not Me, It's You. (Also: Fat.)

I'm a very passionate person. I'm driven, not wholly but enough, by emotion. I feel deeply, I truly experience experiences. I'm grateful that I'm also extremely logical (and I think the qualifier "extremely" really fits there) so I'm not prone to manic arcs or bottomless dives. Nonetheless: passionate.

I'm a bit fat right now. Ok, more than a bit. I stopped exercising regularly (every other day) in September and haven't been consistent since. Ugh. It's so hard to start once you've lived without that discipline, that constant, or "given," in your schedule. It's less the activity than it is the sacrifice of time. Or something. It's a cluster, is what it is. A cluster of excuses and frustration and, well, fat.

Being overweight is a different experience for me now than it used to be. I lost about 100 lbs three years ago (diet and exercise), and since then my entire brain has been reworked about my weight and my body. Unsurprisingly. And thankfully. But I still have the exact same struggle with food - the desire to use it as a numbing device, to abuse it, to abuse myself with it. It is my drug of choice. But that's not really about food, is it?

What is different is that weight issues for me are less shame-based and almost entirely health-based. Nearly 100%. Almost. If I say that I'm struggling with my weight or that I'm fat, well-meaning friends might rush in to say that I look great, or I'm crazy, or I was really too thin before anyway. Of course, they're talking about themselves, trying to quiet their own issues, and their comments have no relevance for me at all. This isn't to say I object to being told I look great. When it's about me? Yes, please. I could use more of that. But when I now say I'm overweight it literally means I am over weight. It used to mean - I'm ugly, I'm unacceptable, I'm not good enough, no one will ever desire me, no one will ever love me.

(Pause for recognition of how deeply sad and lonely a (partially self-imposed) jail that is. So sad. And so terribly lonely.)

Now if I say, in the course of an appropriate conversation, that I'm fat, and someone says, NO YOU'RE NOT!, it's a logic issue to me - I catch myself wanting to respond like a computer. Go into discussions about BMR and RMR and such. Sometimes I even open my mouth to do that before I realize: Oh, they're not talking to me.

(And now, a rabbit trail. Stay with me. We'll come back around.)

One thing I knew when I was younger but am really learning now that I am older is how important it is for us to attend to our own issues. It's not mandatory, of course, which is demonstration of the great freedom of life. But I'm learning (over and over) that the decision to ignore our own issues and demons is actually the decision to force others to do the wrestling that is really only ours to do. You do your work or you shit on others. In big or small ways. That's what I have found to be true. Over and over. It's one thing, although probably not the biggest thing, that keeps me from getting closer to people. I have a lot of my own shit and I've been working so hard to get it sorted. So hard. I just don't have the energy/understanding/strength/time to work on your shit, too, dear loved one(s). If a person appears to be working very hard and non-delusional-ly on their own shit, it's much more convincing that I could be capable of a deeper relationship with them. Shit shrapnel is part of the bargain, another demonstrations of the great freedom. Shit showers are not.

All of this comes back, of course, to me being fat right now. Damn! It's making me so mad. I have all these cute clothes (disclaimer: I don't really do fashion, so clothes that fit well and match are really cute to me) I can't fit into, my scale is like, Are you fucking kidding me? when I step on it, my body aches with extra, energy-sapping pounds. It's physically awkward, carrying this excess. It's very uncomfortable. I never would have known that had I not lost all that weight - I wasn't aware of being awkward in movement or uncomfortable before. But I am now. I had a Come to Jesus with my trainer on Saturday . . . there were tears. Gawd. How embarrassing. I joined a gym and got a trainer last month, just a few days before my dad died, and I haven't used either much.

So I am Trying Again. Christ. Trying again - I am Always trying again. I can think of no other more fitting description of my life than: Begin. Again. It gets frustrating, feels a bit disingenuous after a while (to say the least), but it's all I know to do. My resistance to being active, losing weight, being thinner is deep and convoluted. Relationships with your drug of choice always are. But I know I need to, I hear you, fat pants and bathroom scale and personal trainer. I hear you. And so, here I go. It's time to begin. Again.

Random Happy & Sad

The sun is shining today and the sky is completely blue. Just opening up my blinds and seeing that takes weight off my shoulders - I feel such relief. It's supposed to get up to 59* today, which will be wonderful. I'm home from work, sick with the remnants of a nasty chest cold, but I might even get myself out for a walk in this weather.

I've been pretty depressed lately. I don't really want to go into it all, but I think it's just the long culmination of difficult things over the past couple of years and then utter confusion and sadness over my dad's death. I've always said that I never thought I'd been truly depressed before and now I know that was right. This is new. It feels like an exponential increase of gravity weighing me down - it is almost impossible to plan, move, get things done. It has neutralized all of my energy and ability to accomplish anything. I've gained weight. I can't seem to get ahead of anything. It's discouraging . . . which makes me depressed.

I have been enjoying following my beloved Portland Trail Blazers. (Actually, if you're a Blazer fan, you know that "enjoying" isn't quite the right word there. They can be a painful team to follow.) I have a half-season ticket and I listen to the shows I don't attend, and that keeps me fairly busy and engaged. Even when I'm down and don't really feel like doing anything, putting on a Blazer game gets my energy up. A week or so ago we had our first sunny day in EONS, and the minute I saw the sunshine I thought, "Holy crap, did basketball season just get me through a crappy, grey winter?" Since focusing on ball, I've hardly noticed our shittastic weather, which is really saying something. It's only the second season I've really followed the sport (as an adult, anyway), and I can honestly say that it's brought me a lot of joy. (Even if every game comes down to the last two minutes and is myocardial infarction-inspiring. That's just a normal season for us.) I can't really afford to travel like I have in the past, but I've wondered if this might be a good enough trade off. That I'd even consider that it might be is encouraging.

I'm going to do some sewing - I just got a bunch of new Japanese-themed fabric in and new fabric always inspires me. Plus, my sewing room set up is about as friendly and cozy as it gets - it's the perfect space for me to create in. I have a little iPhone dock set up so I can listen to music or podcasts while I work, and sitting, sewing, and listening to This American Life is about as good as it gets lately. I'll take it.

Finally: Want to smile and get a warm feeling in your belly? Here are two perfect opportunities:

President Obama Being Adorable with Adorable Children
President Obama with Babies

You're welcome.